Sad Scars.

The scars of her pain are coming off again,

Her sadness starting to show.

She doesn’t know where to begin,

She wishes she could just let go.

Those scars are hidden inside so well,

It’s like no one will ever know.

– xo

Inside out.

She is a tornado. Wild and powerful. Full of fight and chaos. Full of emotion and destruction. Pain and sorrow. She fills the jars of her emotional drainage until they overflow.

She is also a breeze. Calm and collected. Gentle and welcoming. Inviting and refreshing. She will blow the dirt off your back so slightly, to lighten your load.

Embracing the remarkable beauty of nature both at it’s fierceness and it’s gentality. The ruthlessness of her tornado collides with the gentleness of her breeze and it creates a new storm brewing within her – waiting.

It is as if she is living inside out.

She looks peaceful on the surface but the inferno does not cease to burn within the confines of her being.

Smiles can mask a lot. Take a closer look.

– Xo

Demons.

When the demons come out to play

It is not what you may think

They don’t wait for darkness or rain

But can appear when the skies are pink.

The demons can hide so easy

Popping in and out of her head

Showing her these crazy images

And telling her she’s better off dead.

These demons are very sneaky

They seem to make a bargain or deal

To make her think what she is feeling

Is all starting to become real.

But these demons can go to waters

That have not been stirred in a while

Even if the pain grows older

It still starts to affect her smile.

These demons live in everyone

Their destruction knows no bounds

But our only hope of surviving them

Is to remember help can be found.

-Xo

Shattered.

You cannot rush healing. No matter how much you want out of this fucking nightmare, the only way out is through.

Her soul is shattered. There is no maybe’s about that. She no longer sees the rebirth about this – feeling the pain from the edges of the shattered glass stabbing a little deeper each time.

The difference between chosing to get better and actually becoming better is an immeasurable gap. Trying and failing time after time.

Feeling like a failure with every criticism. A lost feeling like you missed your stop on the train.

And she feels so fucking shattered inside, but outside she smiles while her fire slowly loses spark. Hoping someone will see past that – but she remembers she is alone in this.

No one is coming to save her. She will put her own damn pieces back together. Than she pauses, sits down and cries. Holding the pieces of her shattered soul; not knowing if they can ever fit together again.

-xo

Normal.

Why is it…

We try and we try,

To fit in a box

Without knowing why?

We strive to be normal,

But what does that mean?

Pretending to be someone,

With our true self unseen.

Forming a persona,

That seems picture perfect.

When we should ask ourselves,

Is this all worth it?

Keeping our demons –

From coming to play

Because of the worry,

That we may scare you away.

Inside we are cracking,

Exhausted underneath.

If only more people noticed,

The split in each piece.

We try to pretend,

That it can be true:

Our life is “normal”,

We can be just like you.

Xo.

.

At this moment, she has not one word that can define the emotions overflowing her heart or mind.

She has no words to describe the sensation beyond numbness she feels.

It is so much more than despair and brokeness.

But what, she does not know.

This journey is a difficult one and she is alone in it. That terrifies her.

Xo.

The Part that Died.

She has been searching for herself. Tearing open the inside shell of her exsistence. Coming back to the surface empty handed time after time.

In the complete re-evaluation of her being, she has become self destructive. The reflection of her image is unrecognizable. She hears her voice but does not identify with it.

She knows now that no matter the depth or extent of her search she will never find what she is looking for.

She will never retrieve the part she wants. It is lost forever in the abyss of the universe and, maybe, it is supposed to be that way. But it wasn’t until now she could comprehend the feeling she will never get that piece back again. The part that died within herself that day. She will never be the same.

Xo

Trees.

People are like trees.

Some big, some small, some worn from bearing the weather, others slowly dying from the inability to adapt to their environment for lack of support or disease.

But, when you see the trees that are worn, growing slanted from the harsh conditions they faced – refused to give up. Instead, they accept the situation. They push on and grow in a way that is unlike the rest. This does not mean they are broken, not at all, it shows the drive for survival.

These are the traits to look for in people. In special instances, these leaning trees are able to find another tree to lean on.

The beauty surrounds the leaning trees and people alike for overcoming deterioration.

When you have this support, they don’t care if you are an evergreen, a birch, a maple, or a Scottish pine. No, they only care that they are able to help support you until you can grow on your own again.

Hold on to these people. The people who appreciate the beauty in the broken. These are your people – they are your home.

Xo

Maybe.

And maybe she won’t get better

She will keep falling apart,

Like a crack that continues to spread

That started deep inside her heart.

Maybe her eyes will stop leaking

Even when she is relentlessly sad

The tears may stop falling

But her misery is continuously bad.

Maybe she holds on to this feeling

Because there is comfort within her pain

Even when wanting to embrace happiness

She has found solace, and won’t ever be the same.

Xo

Rearview.

She may look as if she is driving her way forward. Seems to be passing the roadblocks of life like the freshly fallen snow on each side of her.

She can’t help but study the rearview mirror. Watching everything she passes with hesitation. What happens in the past does not stay in the past – at least not for her.

Her life is so hyperfocused on her own rearview mirror, that she cannot concentrate on what is right in front of her. She cannot enjoy the moment or the milestones she reaches without looking back. It is exhausting.

And maybe that is what will break her.

Xo