She takes a moment. A moment to be thankful for the little things that come and go, much like the water in a bath. The water fills up and then dissapears as it empties.
While in the moment – she enjoys the warmth of water around her, and then she feels the water fleeting as the moment passes.
She enjoys the moment before it escapes her, much like every little moment that come and go in life. There is no before and no after – just now.
She tries to live for these moments, because these moments are all she has. In a life that constantly reminds her of the past and future, she needs these moments.
So she tries. Harder and harder everyday to appreciate living moment by moment.
When she is drying your tears, my friend, she is denying her own emotions.
After she is sure you are okay, she goes back into hiding until you seek her again for some specific reason. You do not check in with her to see how she is or why she is so withdrawn, no. You wait until you need her and there she is. She may call or text but you do not hear her unless it is for your own benefit.
Do not misunderstand me, she would cut herself open if it meant that you could heal – she only wants what is best for everyone [else]. Seeing your smile makes her smile.
But, there needs to be a line that is made. She is slowly fading away and yet, no one notices.
She has begun to bleed herself dry, you see. With all of these moments of speciality she tries to create for her friends, she slowly loses herself.
Please do not think she expects anything in return because she does not. She truly needs time to regenerate herself. Her river of sincerity and sentiment needs to be replenished.
Her river is now running dry.
And she thinks perhaps the saddest part of all is that she is alone. Even when surrounded with people, she is alone.
If she was able to take back the bits of herself she shared with those who do not respect the vulnerability she gave up; she would close the doors to her soul many moons ago.
Yet, even when all this pain and turmoil are rooted so deep within her, she is still here.
She wonders why sometimes. People will tell you anything in the moment but to actually follow through, that is a rarity we can all fall short on. Fuck, even she does. It’s easy to say “I’m always here for you, no matter what”.
So she sits and cries in her private moments, maybe she prefers this because she considers it safe and familiar.
I think sometimes she can feel her soul breaking. She has nightmares so vivid she would not dare speak of them. Going through the motions without emotion each day.
But then again, she is still here.
Don’t just tell her she is beautiful. Pain is not glamorous. Her mind, heart, and her soul is full of many different types of scars. Etched beneath the surface of her skin.
You need to remind her of all the beauty in the world that is also within herself.
Do not give up on her. There is still a part of her that is beautiful, it just hasn’t been to the surface in a while.
So please, don’t just tell her she is beautiful, show her that she is and how.
Taking a moment to embrace the beauty of the ocean. Every wave is different than the next. The gentle breeze in the sails of boats on the water.
The ocean can be wild and fierce, or it can be gentle and calm. Such is life. Ups and downs are inevitable.
Sometimes pain is inescapable but we can choose how we handle these painful experiences. We can choose to give up, give in to sufferings – or we can choose to try to make the best of our days despite the pain.
In the end, the choice is ours. The final decision is ours, no matter if it is an unconscious decision or a fully thought out one.
So, here I sit and marvel at the beauty of the way the water always makes me feel at home. No matter if it is calm or fierce – it feels like home.
We all build fences early on in life. We end up mending, painting, tearing down and building new fences throughout it.
We do this as a means of protection. A way of being able to look out at what is in front of us without fear.
But sometimes, we spend so much time on our own fence, we end up forgetting to help others with their own maintenance. We forget how to pass down our tips and tricks to loved ones. Showing the importance of having a strong and sturdy base, while also having the ability to lean and sway in stormy, turbulant times without total destruction.
Fences are not made once and left to be forever – neither are we. Constantly maintaining our mind, being kind to ourselves, loving our neighbors while accepting differences and similarities is what life is about. A consistent balance of learning new things and trusting tradition.
We must remember this. Especially when we feel like our own fence is falling apart, decrepit and rotting. We can always start again. Fences are not always for keeping people or animals out, but assuring what is inside the fence feel safe and aware of the surroundings.
And here she is. Tettering on the edge. Back and forth. Wanting to let go and fall.
Fall into the water; warm or cold it did not matter. She just wanted to fall into something that would embrace her fully.
Something that would hold her while she could really let go. Let some thing heal and cleanse her soul.
She cannot fall, though. She has to pull herself back up and onto the dock. Staring at the water and imagining what the water would feel like.
She opens her eyes and realizes it is another dream. Another horrifying image that is somehow comforting in it’s familiarity.
The clock says it’s only 3:24a.m. so she gets up, spashes water on her face, and stares in the mirror of the bathroom.
As she passes her beautiful daughter on the way back to bed, she lightly kisses her forehead and smiles.
This is her reminder that she cannot fall. She will never feel the way the water could envelope her.
She will push on.