Mourning.

This is my daughter. Leah Elizabeth. She will be one year on December 14th.

It took my husband and I six years to get pregnant. In vitro was not an option, neither was artificial insemination, or fertility medication because we both didn’t have enough collateral to cover a loan of that size. I, also, wanted to conceive naturally. 

My mother had a hard time getting pregnant and went on Clomid and had a successful pregnancy. However, I also suffered from infertility for quite some time.  I often wonder if they may be related.

Anyway, fast forward to June 19th 2015. My husband was in a terrible head on vehicle collision and spent 3 weeks in the hospital.

He was broken in a lot of places and need a lot of surgery and to stay in the ICU for 4 days. 

I was 3 months pregnant when this happened, working as a chambermaid 30 hours a week for 12$  an hour. 

When I finished work (around 3) I would come home, make us supper and drive in to the hospital to spend the evening with him.  

He is still broken but hardly complains. He has had more surgeries since then to take out hardware and may need some more in the future. 

He is so damn determined and strong. He told me he was going to be in the delivery room and at the ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby.  He did. He is such an amazing father. The doctors told me if it wasn’t for Leah he probably wouldn’t have pulled through. He lost 6 units of blood.

So why is the title of this post “Mourning“?

I feel like I missed Leah’s first-year. I was here the entire time, we spend every day together. But I have such a dark cloud that surrounds me I feel robbed; and it’s my own fault. 

Why do I have to struggle so much. Why can’t I be “fixed”? Why am I so ashamed of my illness when I’m not alone?

Why?

I am so grateful for every kick and movement I was able to feel when I was pregnant. Leah was a week late so I was induced. And I loved my labour and delivery.  I loved it because Jacob was with me. He was my coach. He was so proud of me, no epidural, (a shot of demeral that’s it to help me relax between contractions), and the look on his face when he saw her I’ll never forget.

She is so happy and smart and loving.

I don’t know why I am so sad…I guess because I feel like I just didn’t do enough.

Xo